Long time no update.
It may be that the holidays are approaching, or that my days left in NY are numbered, but I’m feeling reflective and contemplative.
I feel like I have so much love to give - I’m bursting at the seems with it. And yet it seems that I limit the outlet of that love too much. I find myself passing judgment on uneducated customers at work, being unreasonably irritated with drivers on the road. All the while, I long for the affection of those who are unlikely to reciprocate. Why I seem to be unable to redirect my love towards my close friends, family and those who make a positive impact on my life, is beyond me. I thought I was over foolish crushes, throwing my heart in before consulting my head. I simultaneous love and hate the feeling; while I hate that I self-indulgently dwell on things not worth my time, it seems my artistic and creative side (which I now associate more with my childhood and adolescence) is only awakened when I allow myself this somewhat self-destructive sentiment. In such a time when so much is hectic and up in the air, why must I subject myself to this?
Such is the inner dialogue of a self-saboteur.
